Welcome to "It's a motherfucker"

My first blog. This shall be a rambling, scattered, and perhaps incoherent journey into the thoughts in my mind tonight. I'm a little tipsy from the wine tonight so bear with me. First, I just want to thank the band the Eels, a band that speaks to my soul everytime I hear them. The blog's name is after their song, "It's a motherfucker" which is a very beautiful song telling his story (E the singer) of how hard it is to cope with the death of a person that was everything to you and how empty his life will be without them. I think all of humanity has a very someone special to them that if that person died their life would never be the same. If my best friend that I have had since the age of 6 (I'm 32) and knows every single change, journey, and challenge that I have ever dealt with. We can communicate with a single look across the room and know exactly what the other is pointing out. If she dies before me and moves on to whatever awaits us in the afterlife, and I'm still on earth, the pain in my soul is going to be all consuming for a long while. If my husband, who's known me for 13 years (19-32) should die before me I think they will need to institutionalize me immediately after I fall to the floor crying. We started as two 19 year old with little experience in dating and immediately fell for each other. Our love was destiny. I already had a two-year old daughter, was finishing my first year at cal state university, Sacramento, and had just broken up with my high school boyfriend of four years a month before After I broke up with him, my best friend who I was talking about above, managed to get our own first apartment. We both needed to finally escape our homes. I was praying for guys our age to be our neighbor. Our neighbors sucked. Then one glorious day as Gentle, myself, and my two year old daughter walked back from being at the mall all day, we saw a uhaul truck leaving the apartments and it had three young guys in it. I knew then, they were moving in to the vacant apartment below mine. Sure enough, they were our new neighbors. My future husband moved in one week after I did. After a week of not seeing them again, Gentle and I decided we had to do something.So one night we are all upstairs in our apartment and it's getting late and they were being very loud and it seemed like they were throwing things up on the ceiling. We decided to make a move. The three of us girls started jumping up and down on the floor, but it seemed to go unnoticed. Then we got the dorky idea of taking a rock and wrapping a piece of paper around it that had our names, phone number, and apartment number on it, and waded the paper around the rock and dropped it from our balconey onto their porch. We kept peeking over to see if they noticed, which they didn't, so we decided to just go to bed. The next morning we woke up and ran to the window. The rock was still there. Now we are feeling stupid for doing it. As we sat at the kitchen table wondering how we can save face, when we hear a thump on our balcony. They had sent the rock back up with three different guys names and asking up to call. Before we could finish reading it, our phone was ringing and it was one of the guys. We all decided to meet that night up at our apartment, which we were very proud of. Gentle had to work that night at Arden mall so I met her there so she wouldn't be out alone at dark. I needed to start drinking in order to relax, because this was not something I had done before and I was very nervous. I slammed my beer and changed my clothes when they were knocking on the door. I grabbed my camcorder because I was getting a little buzzed and turned it on from moment I opened the door and saw these three guys who I had never saw before enter my apartment to come and drink with us. Little did I know that I have on videotape the first time I laid my eyes on my husband. As Jason (my husband) sat on my love seat and told a story of how someone stole his cereal from his shopping cart at Raleys while he was putting his food in his car, I think I decided then that I really like this guy. He was so quiet and shy. So tall and handsome. He was acting as shy as I had been feeling. I'm pretty buzz by now, so I'm coming out of my shell, but he stilled seemed uneasy about being up there. Anyway the night ended, they went home, Gentle and I passed out. The next morning, as we discussed the events from last night, Gentle said she didn't think they were anything special. I told her how I felt about Jason. And he was the one renting the apartment on his own, the others were friends from the hills. We were together within two weeks. We met on June 17, 1995. By July 4 we were official. The point is, I believe he is my soul mate. I know a higher power sent him to me. He knows all the sordid details of my life with him in the past 13 years. We have shared so many journeys, adventures, ton's of fun and laughter, setbacks, happy times, good times, challenges, and most importantly, we have grown from two teenagers that moved into their adulthood together, everyday, side by sideHe is my best friend, day in and day out. If he died before me I think I'd need to be locked up for awhile so that I didn't hurt myself in an attempt to join him. That pain of not knowing exactly what happened to your best friend's soul agonizes me. Anyway, the song "It's a Motherfucker" is very beautiful and not at all meant in a vulgar sense